An Ocean Not to Break
by vilse
Summary: She wonders what she's done to deserve to want someone this much and not be able to be with him. Joel/Teresa, following the events of "Haystack".
1. Sleep

Author's note:

I don't really know if anyone will read this or if anyone even remembers Boomtown. I just re-watched the first season and watched the second for the first time. I just wanted to channel my disappointment, so this is a way to make sense of what could have happened after they decided to cancel the show.

Joel/Teresa based on what happened up to "The Hole-in-the-Wall Gang" in season 2. (If you haven´t been able to watch season 2, I think it's still available on YouTube.)

**1.**

**Teresa**

In the end, she does call him. He told her that she could, that it was something cops – _friends _– did for each other. But she has worked so hard not to become something she despises, that calling him would be nothing short of defeat. But it's just one of those nights, when she can't sleep because the memory of Jankowski's body shows its ugly face every time she closes her eyes.

So she sits on her couch with the phone in hand for almost an hour before pressing "call". She's never made it this far before, and she has absolutely no idea what to say. Her hands are clammy and cold from nerves as she listens to the dial tone. He could be at home, asleep next to his wife. He should be at this hour. Just as she realizes this and is about to hang up, the phone clicks and she hears his voice.

"Joel Stevens speaking."

His voice is tired but not heavy with sleep as she imagined it would be.

"Joel?... Hi, it's me." She hardly recognizes her own voice, and she suddenly feels like slapping herself. 'It's me'? Like he's supposed to know her voice just like that.

"Teresa?" She tries not to think that he's smiling, but something in his voice tells her he is. Then there's concern as he says: "Is something wrong?"

"No! No, I just…" she hurriedly says, "... I couldn't sleep. And I thought… well, you said I could call, so…"

"Oh yeah, I did, right. Hang on, just a sec…"

There is a sudden change in the background noise, and she can hear a door closing.

"There. I'm all yours."

Trying her best not to think about Joel being all hers, she says:

"I'm sorry for calling you so late, I didn't realize the time."

"That's okay. I'm still at work."

He sounds happy despite working this late, and she hopes it's because of her right now.

"Big case?"

"Yeah, it's making us all pull double shifts."

"Oh."

There is a moment's awkward silence in which Teresa seriously doubts her sanity. Then, Joel draws for breath before settling for:

"So… how's training? Finished with the shooting team?"

"Yeah, all done. A few weeks ago, actually."

"You passed, then?"

"Yeah, I did."

She is sure he's smiling now, when he congratulates her. Somehow, it means so much more hearing that from Joel. She knows he wasn't all happy about her joining the academy at first, and to be honest, she understood him. Especially since she hadn't told anyone about it, and she supposed it was so far from their view of her, the paramedic meant to save people. So when Joel tells her he thinks she'll make a good cop she can't help but smile.

"So why is it you can't sleep?" he asks suddenly, and she is reminded that she called him for a reason. "Jankowski?"

"... Yeah."

Joel sighs. "I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you it'll get easier, but it won't. And that's probably good. I'd be worried if you weren't okay, actually."

"Yeah, I suppose. Thanks."

Then there is this wave of self-loathing washing over her, from nowhere. What is she doing? It's been like this for so long now. Joel is always there, if not in physical form then in her mind. He's married and happy and she's calling him in the middle of the night.

"Look, Joel, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called."

Any other person might have been confused by her sudden outburst, but Joel understands.

"But I'm glad you did."

"I just had to talk to someone, you know?" A part of her wants to tell her what she's thinking, that it was really just him she wanted to talk to, but that would be a violation of their carefully planned unspoken rules and a direct danger to the thin line they're more often than not close to crossing.

"It's okay. And I'm happy to be that someone. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, I know."

On his end there is the sound of the door opening again, and she hears Fearless' voice in the background and Joel saying "give me a minute" before the door closes again.

"Hey, I gotta go, there's been a breakthrough."

She desperately wants to talk to him more, but is not sure what more there is to say.

"Alright", she says. "Good luck. Thanks for… not being asleep."

Joel chuckles and she smiles despite herself.

"Anytime. Take care of yourself, Teresa."

"You too."

He doesn't hang up immediately, and she knows it's because he likes to talk to her just as much as she likes to hear his voice, but there's that line again. The one that says _cheating _with big black letters. So she snaps her phone shut and stares at it for a whole minute, going through the conversation in her head.

Being with Joel is kind of like a drug, and even though she's never tried anything worse than pot in her life she can relate to nicotine addicts and junkies. She has tried but she can't get rid of him, and there is a large part of her that doesn't want to.

She thinks about Dwight sometimes, tries to remember him, but his face is never as clear as Joel's in her mind. And she's ashamed of that, because she was close to Dwight, closer to him that she's ever been with Joel. There is no tangible reason for her to be able to see Joel's face at will, and recall his touch almost as if it has just happened, when she can't even remember how Dwight looked when he smiled.

It's almost light outside when she finally falls asleep, after three hours of reciting the mantra she's had in her mind ever since she realized Joel was so much more than a friend to her.

_He's a married man. He's a married man. He's a married man._

**Joel**

"Who were you talking to?"

Fearless is waiting for him outside the locker room. For a brief moment Joel can hear himself lying to his partner. He could tell him he was talking to his wife, that it was Kelly who had trouble sleeping and not Teresa. But if he did, Fearless would see right through it. And Joel has no reason to lie anyway, right?

"Teresa. She couldn't sleep."

"Mhm."

Joel throws Fearless a sideways glance as they walk down the corridor.

"She was wound up about Jankowski. It really got to her."

Fearless nods. "Yeah, it always does, I suppose. Especially your first."

They stop outside one of the interrogation rooms where the kidnapper they've spent the better part of the week chasing is sitting. Tom and Ray just brought him in.

Joel can feel his partner's eyes on him. He can never be sure how much Fearless knows or how he's figured it out, but for now he stays silent. And when Joel opens the door their only focus is the criminal at hand.


	2. Graduation

**2. **

**Teresa**

Teresa's graduation day is a particularly hot day in August, in Elysium Park a short walk from the academy. Even though she's relieved the 24 weeks are up, she also knows she has 52 more in front of her that will be even less a walk in the park than the previous.

She listens to the Chief's speech feeling a bit uneasy. She is proud, of course, to be part of this, just as she was proud of being a paramedic. And she can still change her mind should this prove to be a great mistake – her knowledge hasn't been eradicated just because she decided to join the police force.

"... by this community, to maintain order and enforce the law…"

Dwight isn't mentioned in the speech, though Teresa is sure most of her classmates thinks he should be. Chief Johnson probably didn't want to bring up such a gloomy subject, but they'll be sure to toast for Dwight tonight. He was the best recruit in her class.

Her father is here, she can see him in the crowd of friends and relatives. She knows he questions her change of careers but also knows he does his best to be proud of her, and she's thankful. She doesn't need the people close to her questioning her choice when she's already doubtful herself.

Afterwards everyone is hugging like they've known each other for years and not 6 months. Teresa joins in mostly because their joy is so contagious, and just as they throw their caps in the air Teresa thinks that she can feel what they're feeling even though their training is far from over.

As her classmates are scattering to greet their families she scans the crowd for her father. The first person she recognizes is Fearless, though.

"Good work, girl", he says as he hugs her. She has never been hugged by Fearless before but she realizes he is proud of her, too. He smiles at her and pats her back, and when she pulls away, Joel is standing next to him.

"Congratulations, officer Ortiz", he says, smiling.

"Thanks." She realizes she is still smiling from the endorphins throwing your cap in the air seems to induce. Now that smile is meant for Joel and it broadens when he hugs her too. A simple, friendly hug. And still they both know it's more than that. It always is.

"So do you know what division you're going to?" Fearless asks as she sees her father coming towards them.

"Yeah, I'm going to Rampart", she says, still smiling. "Hi, Dad."

Roberto Ortiz kisses his daughter on the cheek.

"I'm very proud of you, sweetheart."

"Thanks, Dad."

"And who are these fine young men?"

Teresa rolls her eyes but Fearless laughs and Joel smiles.

"Dad, this is Detective Smith and Detective Stevens. I've told you about them, haven't I?"

"Nice to meet you, Mr Ortiz", Joel says, shaking the older man's hand.

"You're the detectives who saved Teresa and those people in the mall, isn't that right?"

Joel looks at her and she nods, hoping he'll get it. The version she told her father about that incident had a few changes to it, mainly because she didn't want him to worry.

"That's correct, sir", Joel says, and Teresa has this strange feeling that reminds her of being sixteen and introducing her first boyfriend to her parents. She thinks her father would probably disapprove of her infatuation with Joel just as much as he disapproved of her relationship with Eric Jenkins when she was a teenager.

"Well, thank you. I don't know what I would have done without her." Her father puts an arm around her shoulders and she feels like a little girl again, but in a good way. Slightly embarrassed she says:

"Dad…"

"No problem sir, it's our job. And now it's Teresa's, too. She'll make one hell of a cop", Fearless says, grinning mostly at her apparent embarrassment.

While Teresa tries to tell her father that she'd much rather have dinner with him than go out drinking with her classmates, Joel's phone rings. Something important, as it always is, and he and Fearless have to leave.

"We'll see you around then", Fearless says. "Take care, Teresa."

"Yeah, you too. Thanks for coming here."

As her father starts asking questions about her new workplace and what she thinks they should have for dinner, Teresa risks a glance at Joel as he and Fearless walk away. Joel looks back at her, and when he catches her looking, he smiles.

_This is hopeless, _she realizes. _I'm so screwed._


	3. Breakfast

**JenniDDub**: Thanks for reviewing! And yes, this story will be continued. :)

**3.**

**Joel**

He wishes she'd call him again, but at the same time he really doesn't. As long as they keep their distance, nothing can happen, and then he doesn't have to worry about losing control.

When he first realized his feelings for Teresa, it was easy to write them off as a reaction to what Kelly was going through. Not the feelings themselves but the reason behind them. Hadn't McNorris said that, in his drunken slur? "I just wanted somebody to want me, I guess." But now? Joel's marriage is whole again, they're happy, Kelly is happy. And still, every time Teresa comes to mind he's filled with this strong emotion he realizes he hasn't felt in a long time. He dreams about her more often than he'd like to admit, and even though he keeps a close watch of his mind during the day, there are times when he'll slip and she'll be there again.

Is this just an early midlife crisis? (Well, Fearless would say it isn't early at all, just right on time.) He can't even remember if he felt this way about Kelly, this urge to just be close to her at all times and the constant longing. But he supposes he did, he's just forgotten.

Joel Stevens doesn't do these things. Joel Stevens could never be a man who betrays his wife. And still… isn't he doing just that already?

He supposes some things just can't be controlled. It probably doesn't matter how hard he tries to be the perfect husband, because Teresa is not going away. And Kelly might not know about her, but she knows him. And the only time they haven't been able to talk about everything was after their baby died. She knows something is up.

At first he doesn't really notice it. They still have their ups and downs, and since Kelly went back to working part-time again it's been more up than down. Since she recovered from her depression they've been like newlyweds again (apart from having an eight-year-old interrupt intimate moments). So at first, Joel thinks it's just a step back from that phase. A normal stage in any marriage. Marriages have bad years and good years, isn't that what they say?

So when Kelly starts kissing him on the cheek and not on the mouth when he comes home from work, or when she shies away in her sleep when he tries to pull her close, it doesn't bother him as much as it probably should have.

He loves Kelly. And more importantly, he loves his son. But later, he will think about this and know that this was when it started to fall apart.

**Teresa**

Field training is probably the hardest thing Teresa's ever done, but she loves the challenge. Her training officer, Rob Larner, is tough but fair. The hours are long and she comes home every night just wanting to sleep, and when she does, she doesn't even dream about Jankowski. There's no need to call Joel in the middle of the night anymore.

She's not turning into some homewrecker. She has promised herself not to sink that low.

But she doesn't trust herself enough to think that her "we're just friends"-strategy will work forever. They've been too close one time too many. That phone call was just a glitch in her carefully laid plan not to fall in love with Joel (anymore than she already has).

It's funny though, how you think you have everything planned.

It's been one crazy night shift when she walks the two blocks from the station to the diner to get breakfast. She decided one hour into her patrol that if she ends up in traffic division when her training is over, going back to being a paramedic would be a very good thing. Now she's just glad to get out of her sweaty uniform.

She barely even registers when someone says her name as she's trying to decide what to get.

"Teresa!"

She supposes it's because she's tired, but she doesn't even try to feel anxious when Joel approaches her, having just come in from the street. She's just… happy. And he looks as tired as she feels, although smiling.

"Hey." She smiles too. There they are, those damn butterflies. "Night shift?"

"Yeah. Just needed to get some coffee to be able to drive home. You?"

"Mhm. I'd really like to just lay down here on the floor, I'm exhausted."

Joel chuckles.

"Yeah, I remember my rookie days. I've never been so tired."

Of course she can't say no when he suggests they sit down. She blames her sleep addled brain for that. They talk about work for a while, and that friendly half-flirting banter they always slide into after a while is comfortable. Joel has always felt like home to her. And for once, she allows herself to think about how it would feel to sleep next to Joel. Tired as she is, she can't think of anything in the world she would rather want than to be able to do that right now.

He catches her looking at her.

"What?" he says, still smiling. She smiles back and before she has the chance to stop herself, she says:

"I was just wondering what it would be like to sleep next to you."

He's still smiling, but it's a tight, sad smile now. One she often sees when he looks at her. She holds her breath, having realized what she just said. Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

"Yeah, well", he says, sighing. "I try not to think about that."

They look at each other for a second or two, and then Teresa grabs her styrofoam cup and her bagel and gets up to leave.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that." She surprises herself at the the lack of emotion in her voice, because she's burning up inside. She tries so hard not to meet his gaze.

"Teresa…" He grabs her hand before she can leave. But he doesn't say anything, he just strokes her thumb with his once, and then he lets go. She walks out of there without looking back, though she desperately wants to.

Teresa Ortiz doesn't cry that often. She doesn't cry this late October morning either, but she wonders what she's done to deserve to want someone this much and not be able to be with him.


End file.
